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1.21.2005

Angels or Devils

"Angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
Are we ever gonna learn to fly?
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down
Come around,
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold."
--Angels or Devils by Dishwalla
To say that I came face to face with the devil last night sounds straight out looneyville. But I believe I did, and scenes from Anne Rice's "Memnoch the Devil" flashed in my mind. Sitting in front of the steps of an Asian antique store at 9 pm, Memnoch handed me an unlit cigarette and a lighter and stripped my soul bare of all pretentions.
The conversation started simply. He was after all, no stranger to me. Yet for the very first time I actually felt a "connection", he was for the night my devil's advocate---Memnoch, in the flesh, grinning from ear to ear and blowing smoke rings.
Unnerving. Disturbing. Thought-Provoking.
Am I an angel struggling to tame the devil inside me, or a devil hiding in sheep's clothing?
Perhaps one of the most striking questions Memnoch asked me was whether I was using God as rehab. Meaning, was I being spiritual and religious because I was truly happy doing it, or I got into it out of need and was just too morally indebted to get out?
I'm everyone's angel, but I admittedly have my mean and naughty streaks. At times I sit and think am I really ready for this life--prayer meetings 3x a week, social outreaches, daily mass, rosaries and novenas...shunning the so-called "pleasures" of the world. It's the last one I often fail miserably at, not because I'm hooked to it though, but for some strange reason, that's where I always stumble.
Memnoch got me thinking. By living this almost "nun's" life, am I closer to being the person I want to be, or am I just running away from who I really am?
I do not want to end up as a half-baked worker for Christ or live in the gray. Surely I can be a good and honorable Christian without being in the "extremes" of active religious service? Wouldn't my faith, born out of a personal encounter with Christ, be enough? Do I really need to devote so much of my time, effort and energy into the renewal ministry just to be assured that I am not a bad girl anymore.
"You've paid your dues, it's time to live your life" said Memnoch. And now I am torn.

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2 comments:

JeN said...

Thank you for the comment.
Leaving comments is exactly how you will start to gain *friends* : )

Good luck with your online writing. Hope it serves as a good outlet!

Kyle said...

Awesome post. Hope you find what is right for you...