“Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind,
leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious,
affectionate and listless.
You’ve taught me quite a lot
and I learned them in the most humbling manner.
Thank you for showing me what it means to be human,
to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain myself
after everything that had happened.”
EMBERS
MONDAY morning painfully breaks as I nurse a throbbing headache. It felt worse than a hang over--one I haven’t had in years, if I ever had any throughout my tomadora days. It was a lethal combination of an insomnia attack and a migraine that left me wide awake at 3 am, in silent agony, and wondering if you were safely home.
“Bkt moko tinitiis…” three words from you that cut me open. You sent me that text message the other night, sensing that I was, once again, in goodbye mode. How perceptive of you, how observant…after less than 24 hours of not hearing from me. If only you had that much sensitivity a few months ago, back when I would have gone to hell and back for you with a smile.
Oh you always asked me to stay every time I threatened to bolt, but you never bothered to give me a reason not to leave. I have always felt unwelcome, like some uninvited guest lingering long after the party has ended. While you never really pushed me away, there wasn’t any conscious effort to draw me close. It was convenient that I be at arm’s length….never too far, just within reach.
“Kailangan ko pa ng angel...” I feel like a genie trapped inside a bottle…like part of my being is bound to fulfilling your every whim—to be there for you when you need me…as your angel, your friend, or your geisha. You thrive on everything I am capable of giving----always wanting more, wanting it all, but never wanting me.
And then it happened. You found someone. You didn’t even bother to cushion the blow. I died inside, but I smiled, I understood. Perhaps we weren’t meant to be any more than friends, so let’s just go back to what we were always best as, “pre”. I thought the pain would end there, that I would no longer spend sleepless nights trying to disentangle my emotions from its pretzel state. But it never did.
“Why let go of something that makes you feel good inside?” I’m determined to walk away from you, but the words sounded half-meant and lacked conviction. You sent successive text messages…called, I switched off my mobile. You even called my best friend, but she told you nothing although she knew everything that transpired.
I realized how big a mistake it was staying friends with you…that it was wrong for us to still hold hands at the movies, much more you taking me home and hanging out at my apartment until midnight. Not because it could lead to something more intimate, (which eventually happened anyway), for if anything, it made me more vulnerable to falling for you again.
If I ever really stopped loving you.
“I rarely say this, but thanks for sticking it out with me. Salamat at nandyan ka pa din…” Like a moth to flame, I was drawn to you. I got burned, my wings badly singed, but I stayed by your side, bespren.
In the last couple of months I tried to forget how special I felt when I was with you. How my eyes light up when you look at me and smile, how you would wink at me when we share our private little jokes. It would have been easier if I could just have all memories of you erased or blotted out a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
I found myself dreading Sunday afternoons, the very ones I looked forward to before…our bonding time--the shopping, the movies, the good food made all the more special by thought provoking or mildly insane conversations.
We had always been honest and open, able to talk about anything… I have learned to communicate and share with you every little thing--you taught me that. Now I have to unlearn…retrace my steps to the time before I got used to having you around, untie the strings that bound us, and willingly forget how were were for the most part "almost, but not quite".
“You cannot resist the devil…” I thought I was in control...that the flame has been extinguished save for a few dying embers. But I was too blind to see the writing on the wall, and now I burn for you again.
Is this fixation, obsession, or plain and simple fatal attraction? I knew this flame will consume me whole the night I wagered my own salvation to be with you...a night that "never happened" in your book.
Let me make my graceful exit...now...while I can still redeem myself.
